You say these things, these things about how you “understand” and how you’re “going to be there for me”.

You see I used to say those things too, without understanding  the capacity of those words. Until I broke down into pieces inside, never expecting what came forth like a storm. The lights blew out in the middle of warm summer night, and I fumbled to find the switch over and over and over again. I haven’t found it yet, no matter how I much try. You see I’m scared, I hardly sleep anymore and when I do, I dream about losing the people I love the most. You see I’m drowning and I can’t understand why because I was once a swimming champion and my legs know how to function very well, but they just refuse. You see, my body isn’t listening to me anymore and my mind is startled and betrayed and confused and hurt. So my mind isn’t listening to me anymore either, it refuses to think of anything but wilted flowers. So when you ask me why I’m not behaving like myself, I can’t figure why my being is disintegrating like a machine set up all wrong. I feel like a blender full of odd emotions, running on top speed but they forgot to put the lid on. I’m a mess.

But I promise myself this, I will find my way out of this darkness and when I do, I will use those words responsibly and I will truly be there for those who need me like I wish you were there for me today.


Quick question.

Your tinder match asks you to tell them a little about yourself to break the ice.
Do you start of with the basics- the job, the side-hobby and the past education?

Do you tell them about how the job is only a buffer until you find a way to make money off of your side-hobby?

Do you delve into your past history to explain your attachment for this side-hobby and hope they understand what it means to you? Do you cut short because you don’t want them to think you hate your job and you’re trying to find an escape? Because you aren’t. You’re just trying to be experimental and hoping for the best, but you’re also playing safe, a little too safe. Gotta pay the bills right?

Do you now decide to switch the topic and talk about how exciting your job is in an attempt to compensate?

Do you realise that you’re becoming more transparent than you intended to be? Do you ask them to talk about themself to get the spotlight off of you?

Their story isn’t very different.

You realise you’re just 2 millennial kids who grew up, from glassy eyed dreamers to screws in a grand machine. This isn’t a revelation because the settling stardust in your eyes never let you forget. This is however a realisation that you aren’t alone in the process. We’re all fighting.

So you talk about music. Turns out, you both like Animal Collective.


My head spins with the thought of all the possibilities of every place I could have been in at this very second.

“Where are you??”
-“I’m sorry I can’t make it, I have to take care of something at home. Please have fun without me x”

Just ruled out one of them through a text, but those other places, they stare at me with their piercing glare and reflect at the walls of monotony I’m piecing together around me. I melt with shame.
I used to be someone. I could be someone. I need to be someone.

I need to shatter these walls.

“Where are you?”
-“I’m sorry I can’t make it. I’m out on a chase.”

I don’t feel like myself.

I’m sitting in the same bed that I grew up sleeping in. I’m home but I’m not me. I feel like I lose a little bit of myself when I come back from a new place. Or maybe the pores of my soul collect the dust from the lands before I part.
I’m conflicted, uncertain and disturbed. scrambling for the familiar, I’m losing count of the things I can call mine.

To The Boy Who Once Made Me Happy

//It’s a little funny how I tried writing a piece titled “To The Boy Who Makes Me Happy” a few months back but never got past the title. I guess misery is a better catalyst to writing than contentment.//

To the boy who once made me happy,

I wish I was as good with words and wits as you are, so my tongue would serve me better in your presence than my fingers clacking against the keyboard alone in the dark. I wish I had a better memory so I could keep the time I spent with you in my pockets and find my escape in them when things got hard. I wish I could be that person you fell in love with a little longer than I did.

I know your love isn’t the same as mine but how would I even know what love is to me before experiencing it for myself? All I know is that I was so happy to be with you, to listen to you talk about twisted monk theories over glasses of rum on that rugged bed that detached and left that annoying space in between, that space that would persist to be there no matter how hard you tried to bring those two beds together, god dammit that space. I guess you can never force attachments onto somethings.

I don’t know why but I do wonder sometimes if things could be different in a universe where I were a little older, a little more experienced, a little more entitled, and a little more smarter. But I wasn’t, and I felt lonely and weak when things went bad. I wish you were there when they did. I wish you were there when my sister hit me so hard that I couldn’t open my mouth for days, I wish you were there when my mother told me I was a disappointment to my family, I wish you were there when I left all of that behind and came here. I wish you didn’t call me a bad person and I wish we never broke up and I wish you were joking about calling prostitutes at home and I wish you didn’t really bring other girls over either because it breaks my heart so much still, I can barely continue to type. I wish I was enough for you, you know. I wish I was more than enough. I wish you longed for me as much as I longed for you, and your voice, and your skin, and your bones, and your soul. But I never will be and I will learn to live with that.

Thank you for all the memories and all the love. I will always carry a piece of you in my heart.

Yours truly.




An Affair With Words


For the longest of time, I was extremely conscious of my writing, just as a bathroom singer would be amongst Grammy nominee vocalists. I loved how any emotion, even as deep and sacred as divinity in itself could be expressed with the art of stringing together the right words. It wasn’t just an art, it was a power, and I found myself achingly devoided of it.

I could never remember words as long as ‘concupiscence’, although it’s usage always amused me. It tickled my brain to come across words like ‘Renegade’, ‘Degenerate’, and ‘Denigrate’ because they all sounded so similar, yet meant so different. I was the one who always underlined words in books, because they read so pretty and I wanted to add them all in my word-robe. But, I was neither a scholar of  language nor of Literature. I just admired words, a lot.

However, bit by bit I started realizing that the purpose of words wasn’t just to sit pretty on white pages. Their purpose was to stir the soul of the reader and soak the white pages in his tears. Words meant nothing if they didn’t convey bursting conviction with which they were meant to be written. Words were the manifestation of the energy flowing from the mind of the writer to that of his reader. Slowly, I realized that I didn’t need to fret over remembering difficult words, I just needed enough.  I needed the words for channeling what I wanted to suck from my insides and splash out on the walls of this world.

Thus began a new affair with words. It was the kind of love that overwhelmed me, but comforted me at the same time. I wore myself out trying to sew words together on paper that my lips never could, and God that was so satisfying. Rants turned into creative writing and the bitterness of a heartache manifested itself as art. Everything retained beauty, even the darkest of moments. I loved the way a writer could induce emotions like a magician and then manipulate them like a puppeteer. I fell in love with the process and realized that it started loving me back.

I realized that it wasn’t the words that held the power as I once perceived, it was the bond of a writer with his words that summoned hurricanes or calmed the tides as he pleased. I wanted to be that Stormbringer, I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to write, and ever since, that’s all I want to do.


Little one, the cosmos must be dancing
For you sprouted in the womb of Gaia
there will be those who mark the curse,
Some for the society, as you another debt,
some for you, as the society another vile
But why seek the assent of the fallible?
or the sympathy of another woven of the same flesh?
This journey isn’t their’s, it’s only yours to tread

Will You Call Me One For The Road?

“cool? Bye” he said.
“cool. Bye”, she replied and hung up the phone.
That’s how they ended the sweet “negotiation” they’d once agreed upon, the proof of which was etched only in cryptic signals through electric telephone wires, ending it the same way it started. Heart-breaks were meant to leave a bad taste in your mouth, but then why didn’t this one? Why did this one feel so comfortable? When every other dejection pierced through her ego like daggers, why didn’t this one strip her off of any emotions?

Probably because it was a stupid idea in the first place, it wasn’t really serious anyway, not like we were in love pffft… or probably because it was the best it could have ever been. It was never really about “two souls completing each other” or “love saving us” no, not any of that romanticism. It was as simple as the smiles you had to hide during classes when you saw their name pop up on your phone screen, the sleep you’d willingly compromise to have trivial conversations at night and answering drunk calls, humbly reminding you that you’re on their mind when they’re out of it.

I wish we had more time to sit and have deep, meaningful conversations about round pizzas in square boxes, to listen to you in your drunken state of mind, trying to articulate simple words as if they were tongue twisters. I wish i could hear more of those poems and show you my feelings for them. I wish I could make you hear my favorite songs. I wish I could have a few more mockery drenched laughs; but that’s all that there is to it and it was more than I ever wished for it to be. So just call me one for the road?

The Perfect Gifts To Give To Your Girl

{DISCLAIMER- this article was written for an interview submission, I’m not actually this cheesy.}

Is it yet again another occasion when you’ve got to make your girl feel special? Do you wish to break the monotony of those cliched presents that only add a faint smile to her face and then get tossed into the back of her cupboard? Well don’t worry, we’re here to fulfill your aspirations of giving her the most unique present you can, even if you’re on a budget crunch! Following are a few gift ideas in order of the increasing size of your budget

1. Personal pamper butler- sooo… you spent all your money on that video game you wanted and now have no money in your wallet to buy her a gift?  That’s alright because this gift idea only requires you to spend ’emotional currency’. convey your love to her by being her ‘personal pamper butler’ for a day. Let her call the shots the whole day and go all the way to pamper her by  completing her chores, carrying her shopping bags, making her meals and driving her around. Dedicate this day to her!


2. Customized T-shirts/hoodies- you know how she loves wearing your oversized T-shirt or hoodie like it’s the most comfortable piece of clothing for her? Why not gift her one from your closet, but with a personal touch? You can get it customized by printing a picture of her favourite band or artist on it and she would love to wear it. Also, its easy on the pocket and big on heart!


3. Gift cards- some times you just have to accept that your taste is probably way too different from your girl friend’s, so much so that buying gifts makes you more nervous than a rabbit amongst a group of hyenas. In such situations, gift cards are your saviors! You can pick one up from her favorite brand and that too from a price range of your choice. This way, she wouldn’t have to wonder about your gift’s exchange policy like she had to with your previous gifts.


4. Personalized jewelry- what could be more romantic than a piece of precious metal with the memoir of your love that she can wear! You can explore your options with this one according to your budget too. you can find cute paired jewelry at brands like Claire’s or you can have rings and pendants engraved with words of love/both of your initials as a present. Little, special trinkets are always close to a girls heart!


5. A pet- gifting a pet as a present to girls who love animals is a great idea, if you don’t mind sharing her love with a little cuddler that is. There are so many organizations that give pets up for adoption, and adopting one for your girl would not only mean delighting your sweet heart but also giving an animal a secure shelter. It’s an admirable gesture all together and saves you money too!



6. name a star- probably the most romantic way to to tell some one that they’re the center of your universe is to name a star after them. it’s not as expensive as you think and can be easily done online via web portals like . this way you’d let them know that they’re as unique as their namesake star!


7. An adventure- how about gifting her memories that she would treasure forever? You can take her on an adventure by gifting her tickets to her favorite concert, game, festival or a little holiday just for the two of you. It’s bound to make her feel specialand loved!


growing apart

“how do you know him?”

“we are.. err.. were friends.”

“oh, what happened then?”

“i.. don’t know.”

we have all had a person or two in our lives who went from being strangers to friends (or more) to strangers again. if you’re lucky enough, you’d know the reason behind the transition of these labels, thus providing you enough closure to accept the change. BUT, if you’re lesser of an expert in interpreting human emotions and social equations like me and many others, i’d like to offer you a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and hugs. meeting new people and clicking with them is a great feeling. growing apart after sharing a wonderful friendship on the other hand, not so much. why does that even happen? when everything is playing out fine, why does distance start creeping in? who’s fault is it?

firstly, I’m sorry if you’ve been through such a situation. I’m sorry if you got so close to the other person so quick that their self retrieval made you question your self. I’m sorry if it hurt to the point that you wondered what was wrong with you. you didn’t deserve any of it (unless you’re in fact a bad person, which i doubt).

but hey! pity parties are never fun. so before you indulge in a self loathing session and rack your brain thinking where you went wrong with this blossoming friendship that wilted faster than those roses in your garden (start watering them by the way, spring is on its way), there are a couple of things you should understand-

1.things are never just black or white- you have a story. the person you meet has their own story. you both meet each other at a point in your individual, every so changing lives and click (woohoo). some times, its the situations that draw you apart. some times, these situations are a bit too complex to be explained by the other person so no confrontations are followed up and that’s the end of it.

2. change is constant, deal with it- when you meet a person for the first time, they are not just talking matter of mass you meet but a result of their past fuelled by their future endeavours, just as you are. we are all dynamic beings here, changing little by little every day. want proof? compare your favourite music artists today from when you were 13 (how much do you love Avril Lavigne now?). so if the common ground in your relationship starts shifting, you’ve got to stop blaming your self for it and accept the change.

3. stop victimizing yourself- believe me, at some point in your life you too probably intentionally/unintentionally tried avoiding that friend who was acting way too clingy for comfort. No, that did not make you a horrible person, that just made you a normal person who likes their space once in a while. so if some one did the same to you, don’t diss them for it. even if they want their space for a bit longer like… err.. forever, respect their decision and be at peace.

4. lastly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU- “did i bore them too much? did i act really hyper around them? Oh god! it’s because I’m an over organized freak, isn’t it??”  stop it, you! even though growing apart from some one really sucks, stop chewing into your self esteem. so you just got abandoned by some one, probably because they lost interest in you. It is okay. this single person doesn’t define your worth, you do. you’re not the person some one lost interest in, you’re the person whose family, dog and best friends love them. you’re the person whose eyes light up so bright when they hear their favourite song on the radio. you’re the person who has goals to achieve and dreams fulfil. you’re the person so many might look up to. don’t you dare doubt yourself.

AND don’t worry about dying alone with no friends. they always come around, either because of your similar music tastes or your ridiculously conflicting opinions. then, they may leave too. and then you’ll find new ones again. that’s just how life works so might as well appreciate the moments you get to spend with those presently in it. trust me on this, you’re okay buddy.