Depression

You say these things, these things about how you “understand” and how you’re “going to be there for me”.

You see I used to say those things too, without understanding  the capacity of those words. Until I broke down into pieces inside, never expecting what came forth like a storm. The lights blew out in the middle of warm summer night, and I fumbled to find the switch over and over and over again. I haven’t found it yet, no matter how I much try. You see I’m scared, I hardly sleep anymore and when I do, I dream about losing the people I love the most. You see I’m drowning and I can’t understand why because I was once a swimming champion and my legs know how to function very well, but they just refuse. You see, my body isn’t listening to me anymore and my mind is startled and betrayed and confused and hurt. So my mind isn’t listening to me anymore either, it refuses to think of anything but wilted flowers. So when you ask me why I’m not behaving like myself, I can’t figure why my being is disintegrating like a machine set up all wrong. I feel like a blender full of odd emotions, running on top speed but they forgot to put the lid on. I’m a mess.

But I promise myself this, I will find my way out of this darkness and when I do, I will use those words responsibly and I will truly be there for those who need me like I wish you were there for me today.